The World Has Become Kinder to Her - Chapter 19

“Ah, why am I even thinking about those memories?” Lotus laughed, exasperated.

No matter how much she dug through her memories, they were all either sad, painful, or filled with ridiculous moments like the one she had just recalled. 

*Surely, if I think hard enough, there must be at least one or two good memories buried beneath all the awful ones,* she thought. *They’re just hard to remember amidst all the terrible ones.*

As she surveyed her new bedroom, Lotus addressed Jane and the maids.

“We only need to move the clothes and books.”

Lotus didn’t own many dresses or accessories—at least, not by the standards of a noblewoman. Her belongings were relatively modest for the daughter of a marquis. 

However, the number of books she owned was enough to rival both the Marquis and Hession’s personal libraries. Before her debut into high society, she had spent most of her allowance buying books from bookstores and curiosity shops. 

Jane and the maids stared, mouths agape, at the sheer volume of books.

“My lady, did you really read all of these?” Jane asked in disbelief.

“Who knows,” Lotus replied. 

In truth, she had not only read them but remembered nearly everything in them. Yet, she refrained from giving an affirmative answer. Lotus knew all too well how an intelligent woman was perceived in both high society and the Empire as a whole.

*If you’re moderately intelligent, you’re treated like an accessory worth engaging with. But if you’re too smart, you become a threat to be crushed.*

The only ones who ever recognized her intellect were two of the Empire’s most powerful men. Ironically, it was Frederick, the Tower Lord, and Theodore, the youngest sage, who had acknowledged her intelligence. Theodore had even warned her once:

––*Hide it, Lotus. If a thorn is too sharp, it will pierce through the fabric. In Bahamur Empire, there is no place for a thorn so sharp it can tear the cloth apart.*

––*Are you telling me this because you don’t consider me a threat?* 

she had asked.

––*In this current situation, yes.*

––*Well, that’s a relief.*

––*You are smart, Lotus. Though my memory is better than yours. And…*

––*And what?*

––*I’ll tell you the rest when I become a ‘true’ sage.*

Lotus had learned that feigning a certain level of knowledge was the best way to win men’s favor. No place welcomed a clever woman of humble origins.

“My lady, should we request a bookshelf for your room?” Jane asked.

“Why bother? I can use the shelves and cabinets.”

“If we ask the Marquis or the Marchioness, they’ll surely buy one for you.”

“That’s unnecessary. Don’t say silly things. Everything’s exhausting enough as it is.”

While the new bedroom lacked a bookshelf, Lotus figured the existing shelves and cabinets would suffice for storing her books.

Still troubled by Kenneth’s proposal and the letters from Rikheus and Theodore, Lotus dismissed the maids and spent time organizing her books. Physical tasks like this helped keep her mind from spiraling into useless thoughts.

“Oh, I don’t have *Tolomur’s Poems*,” she muttered to herself.

––*Lotus, have you read *Tolomur’s Poems*?*

––*No, I haven’t come across it yet.*

––*I’ll lend it to you. It’s something you’ll enjoy. It paints the ugliness of high society so perfectly. You’ll get something out of it.*

Her unsettled thoughts momentarily calmed as she recalled the conversation she’d had with Theodore about books. It was better than dwelling on Kenneth’s heartfelt eyes or Rikheus’s angelic smile.

Unlike in the past, Lotus had no need to hide her books anymore. She already knew their contents by heart. Even if the Marquis or Hession took them away, it wouldn’t matter.

“I might have to deal with interference when it comes to buying or reading books from now on, but so what?” she murmured.

*I’ll be dead soon, anyway.*

Lotus smiled bitterly as she ran her fingers over the covers of her books. A few tears fell onto the pages.

*If it weren’t for these books, I would have died even sooner back then.*

Lotus was nearly done organizing her books when Jane called for her from outside the door. 

“My lady, are you still sorting your books? I have something urgent to tell you.”

Quickly wiping away any trace of her earlier tears, Lotus granted Jane permission to enter.

“What is it now?” she asked.

Jane hesitated, clearly aware of the tense situation between Lotus and Kenneth earlier in the day. She shifted uneasily before speaking.

“Just now, Lord Hession came in with Sir Zahard.”

“…What?” 

“And from what I overheard, Sir Zahard is staying at the estate for a while to help Lord Abran with his work.”

*Oh, gods.* Lotus bit her lip hard.

If she hadn’t known about the unusual connection between Frederick and Kenneth, she might have accepted their excuses at face value. But given the circumstances, it seemed more like Kenneth was just trying to keep Frederick in check by using the same reasoning for staying.

*The Marquis and Hession are both sharp enough to have realized what I’m thinking,* she mused.

There could only be one reason they allowed such a flimsy excuse: both Frederick and Kenneth came from powerful families and had earned the emperor’s favor through their extraordinary abilities.

*But unlike in the past, I can’t understand why Kenneth is suddenly proposing to me and being so stubborn about it.*

Lotus pondered for a moment. Should she follow Frederick’s advice and explain things to Kenneth, who likely knew little outside of swordsmanship? She needed to make it clear that Frederick had no romantic interest in her and that no matter what Kenneth did, she wouldn’t change her mind.

“Lord Hession wanted me to ask you,” Jane continued. “Since it seems we’ll be hosting a dinner for Lord Abran and Sir Zahard at some point, would you be willing to attend tonight?”

*Strange,* Lotus thought. *Why is Hession even asking my opinion?*

Wasn’t it her duty to present herself as part of the family during such dinners with external guests? It’s not as though she could refuse just because she didn’t want to attend.

*Since they’re staying in this house, I’ll have to face them eventually. It’s better to attend tonight and see if I can push them to reconsider their decision.*

Lotus knew she needed to have a direct confrontation with Frederick. Once she dealt with him, Kenneth would likely back off on his own. Biting her lip, she responded firmly.

“As if I have a choice. Tell them I’ll attend as usual.”

Jane’s expression darkened slightly, as if she had more to say. She opened her mouth hesitantly.

“My lady.”

“Hm?”

“If you truly don’t wish to attend, it might be alright to skip it. Lord Hession mentioned that he would respect your decision…”

Their eyes met. After blinking a few times, Lotus looked away first.

“Go and deliver my response,” she said quietly but firmly.

Jane lowered her head slightly. “…Yes, I’ll relay it right away. But please don’t get dressed on your own,” she added before leaving.

Lotus watched Jane’s retreating figure for a while. 

In her past life, Jane hadn’t been entirely bad. While she hadn’t gone out of her way to help or support Lotus due to the Marchioness’s watchful eye, Jane had at least treated her as a person.

That’s why Lotus tolerated her presence now.

However, Jane’s kindness, when it crossed a certain line, felt difficult to accept. 

It made her eyes burn and her heart stir uneasily.

With the shift in how the Marquis, Hession, and the household treated her, Lotus felt it was better to keep things polite and distant. Anything more intimate felt too unsettling.

After dismissing Jane, Lotus entered her private bathroom to wash up. 

The one benefit of her new room was that she could finally bathe at leisure, without worrying about anyone watching or rushing her. She took her time with the luxurious, fragrant soaps.

When she stepped out, Jane was already waiting, wrapping Lotus’s damp hair in a large, soft towel.

The dinner was scheduled later than usual, likely because of the last-minute arrangements, but Lotus was ready in time.

It would have been practical to wear a simple indoor dress, especially knowing Frederick would be there to rattle off nonsense. But tonight, her outfit was a battle dress, meant for confrontation. 

With a sense of preparing for war, Lotus selected a dress and applied her makeup.

“My lady, you’re as beautiful as the goddess Venus,” Jane commented with rehearsed praise.

Ignoring the compliment, Lotus stared into the mirror instead, focusing on her reflection.

As Lotus caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror—her empty green eyes draped in extravagant fabric—she saw a pitiful woman staring back. How could anyone compare her to a noble goddess? It was strange how the same person could be seen in such vastly different ways.

“Am I too late for the guests of honor? I apologize,” Lotus said as she entered the dining room, drawing the attention of everyone inside.

The gazes of her family were one thing, but the stares from Frederick and Kenneth, two men she had known intimately in her previous life, made her feel more uneasy.

Frederick’s gaze was somewhat expected—he was a mage with an eye for beauty, always drawn to the aesthetically pleasing. But Kenneth? Why was he staring so intently?

*Why does he keep looking at me like that?*

Maybe it felt so intense because she still remembered the distant and cold man from the past. Now, his eyes seemed to burn with an intensity that unsettled her.

“Lotus, you’re beautiful,” Frederick said, smoothly approaching her with the intention of kissing her hand. But Hession swiftly intervened, blocking him.

“Lord Abran, it would be wise to refrain from such unnecessary familiarity with someone you barely know,” Hession said, his reflexes quick as always.

“Lotus, do you agree with him?” Frederick asked, lowering his gaze to appear softer, almost playful.

Lotus knew all too well how mischievous his face could become the moment a smile played on his lips. With a cool expression, she replied, “Yes.”

“Ouch, that hurts. I thought Lotus and I were quite close—after all, we share a few secrets,” Frederick said, subtly referencing her past suicide attempt.

“How unfortunate for you, my lord,” Lotus responded, her tone equally bold, unflinching despite the veiled threat.

For a moment, Frederick’s mouth clamped shut like a stubborn clam, his expression reminiscent of one she had once found endearing. At one time, she had thought that pouty look made him seem like a sulky child—almost cute.

A fleeting thought crossed her mind: *Does Frederick now, or did he ever, see me as a human being? Does he find me lovable or beautiful, even for a moment?*

*Would I feel a little less miserable if that were the case?*

Even though her mind was filled with melancholy, Lotus maintained the polite, faint smile that high society demanded. Someone in her position—at the bottom of the pyramid—could never afford to reveal her true feelings.

“…I also think Lady Estelle looks beautiful tonight,” Kenneth said quietly, pulling out her chair for her.

Lotus forced herself to keep her expression neutral as she responded, “Thank you, Sir.”

Once Lotus was seated, the maids began serving the meal in the proper order, starting with appetizers and a light stew to warm the stomach.

The halibut carpaccio, a dish made from fresh fish, was certainly trendy in the capital, but it wasn’t to Lotus’s taste. Nor was the stew, laden with oysters. 

Lotus had never cared for seafood, except for a few varieties like shrimp.

*Not that it matters much. I won’t be eating much anyway…*

She figured she could simply pretend to eat, as it wasn’t unusual for noble ladies to merely pick at their food during formal dinners.

Lotus delicately avoided the oysters in her stew, taking a small spoonful, and then cut the halibut into tiny pieces, placing a single bite in her mouth when, suddenly, someone shouted.

“Wait!”