Secretary Gwanggong's Survival Diary - Episode 116

Episode 116

Perhaps calling it a choice was wrong. It would be more accurate to say I had no other option. My heart didn’t move towards any other choice. All I could say to him was just that – a promise of a “next time.”

It was inevitable to reach such an answer. The image of Yoon Tae-oh trapped in a repeating world came to mind.

Waiting for a connection that may or may not come, having to live through short segments repeatedly against his will. Being abandoned countless times, having his feelings denied countless times. Living a life repeating countless loveless relationships. My Yoon Tae-oh, who had finally reached my heart…

He was always kind to me. He allowed numerous exceptions. In a way, it’s because of him that I survived in this unfamiliar world. He literally protected me and became my will to live. What started as just trying to survive around him somehow turned into wanting to live together with him.

Sometimes, just having someone to lean on emotionally, having a place to go, is comforting. Even if it’s a one-sided feeling, how much more so if he feels the same way?

It was Yoon Tae-oh who embraced me in his heart while I was busy hiding numerous secrets, avoiding situations, and running away. Unlike me who always put words first, he was the one who showed it through actions first. He’s the person who makes me dream of tomorrow with hope when my heart is about to crumble in despair. He’s the person who gives me courage to face things instead of running away anymore.

Because he was like that, there was only one answer I could give. If I stay, even if he leaves me, I can at least end the infinitely repeating world. It won’t be easy, but it’s okay. Let’s consider it gratitude to the man who was kind to me.

“You don’t look like you enjoyed it much, though.”

“No, I liked it.”

Adding a bit of exaggeration, I liked it so much I could cry. I wished it would continue like this every day… tomorrow, the day after… Conversely, even if it were our “last” time, it was enough of a day to cherish deep in my heart for a long time. Yet, I couldn’t say anything more to Yoon Tae-oh.

If I were to be greedy, I’m desperate enough to want to hold onto his heart with any words. If I were to share the numerous stories I’ve experienced, his choice might flow the way I want.

But would that have any meaning? Apart from being hard to believe, wouldn’t it be like blackmail, saying “I made such a difficult decision, so you should pay the price too”? If that’s how his heart would be gained, I’d rather not.

Just sitting together like this is good, but thinking this might be the last time makes my heart feel stuffy. I wanted to make this potentially final time an unforgettably joyful memory. Maybe because I was constantly aware of time, it seemed to flow faster and faster.

“Shouldn’t we go to sleep now?”

“Ah, should we…”

Finally, it became a time that was difficult to hold onto any longer.

“Why are you going that way?”

“Pardon…?”

“While Si-eon is staying here, there’s no need for separate rooms, is there? And it’s disappointing if you just go in without looking back.”

Not knowing how I felt, he approached me with playful words. If only your desire matched mine. If only your regret matched mine. Some emotion surging from a corner of my heart kept trying to well up in my throat and eyes.

“Let’s sleep together starting tomorrow.”

In the end, to hide the tears that were about to fall, I hugged his waist first. I feel so fortunate. That I didn’t choose to abandon him, that we spent today more brilliantly than any other day. Even if he doesn’t make the decision I want, I won’t regret choosing to stay.

Not knowing my feelings, Yoon Tae-oh hugged me back. He might have been surprised by my sudden tears, but he just stroked my back gently without asking any questions. That made me feel grateful and sorry again, and I hugged his waist as if clinging to him. Because Yoon Tae-oh is like this, my choice was inevitable.

It was the warmest embrace.

❖ ❖ ❖

“I’m sorry.”

What does he mean?

“I’m sorry, but let’s stop here.”

No, it’s a lie. This apology coming from Yoon Tae-oh’s mouth now must be a lie. There’s no sincerity in his voice as he says he’s sorry. His expression is just cold. It’s a voice and face so different from the attitude he’s been showing me lately.

“It seems it won’t work out, us.”

With that look, he speaks of the end.

“I… more than you… Haa, nevermind. What’s the point of saying such things now?”

My chest aches and my throat tightens at his painfully pouring words. No matter how much I try to deny it, he looked determined without any intention of taking back his words. Even though I made my decision thinking this could happen, I couldn’t accept that he had chosen to abandon me.

He turned around as if further conversation was unnecessary.

“No, you can’t! I can’t do this…”

It seems my heart to give him a choice wasn’t sincere after all. Seeing his back as he turned away, I couldn’t think of anything. I only had the base desire to hold onto him somehow.

I hugged his waist with all my might. I wanted to reveal my unsaid sincerity more desperately, even now. If only I could change his mind, I wanted to do that.

But Yoon Tae-oh didn’t allow even that.

“This won’t change my mind, so stop it.”

He was just cold, as if he had no lingering attachment. His voice, his hands pushing me away from his waist, were the same. He walked away without looking back once. I couldn’t move until his retreating figure grew smaller and smaller, eventually disappearing into a dot.

With his one choice, my world crumbled.

Bright sunlight pierces through my eyelids. A hand gently stroking my hair moves to my eyebrows, then my cheeks. The ticklish sensation feels so good I could smile. After caressing my face for a while, the hand disappears, and a warm touch meets my lips and then leaves. At this alien sensation, I had to open my eyes.

But seeing the sight before me, I wanted to fall back into deep sleep. To be lying in bed with Yoon Tae-oh, with him hugging me and kissing me… I must be dreaming due to my deep longing. Because there’s no way he could be here.

Despair welled up as I searched my memories. I tried to fall back asleep, deliberately ignoring the sensation of my mind becoming clearer. Right now, I want to turn away from everything.

“Baek Si-eon.”

But the voice penetrating my ears is too vivid. Moreover, the warmth transmitted through my whole body, and what about the pheromones that seem to make my brain throb?

“Here you are pretending to sleep while touching me again. Do you just cling to anyone when you’re not fully conscious?”

My mind snapped to attention, and I sat up in bed, shaking off everything wrapped around me. That voice sending chills down my spine couldn’t be a dream.

“What are you doing now?”

Perhaps I pushed too hard, as his glare was quite fierce, as if possessed by an evil spirit. Judging by how I feel like I might wet myself, this must be reality. My thoughts seem to have stopped. I can’t even properly gauge if this is a dream or reality. I couldn’t even blink, unable to believe the sight filling my vision.

“H-how…”

Last night, I couldn’t easily fall asleep. I was consumed by anxiety, not knowing how Yoon Tae-oh’s choice would turn out. I must have fallen asleep at some point without realizing it.

“Your dream seemed really bad.”

“…Dream?”

“Yeah, there was something. It was just… annoying.”

Surprisingly, I could understand Yoon Tae-oh’s casual words. I didn’t know the opportunity for choice would be given to Yoon Tae-oh in that way, but I could guess what kind of dream it might have been.

“…What kind of dream was it?”

“Don’t know. Some guy was saying weird things, so I punched him and woke up. I should have killed him.”

…So, does that mean he rejected the proposal without even listening to the end of what that strange guy was saying…? Judging by Yoon Tae-oh still fuming, it doesn’t seem like he heard the whole story, but I can roughly understand the situation. Should I say I feel deflated? As I realized the situation, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re laughing? Want to get in trouble?”

Right. This is Yoon Tae-oh. A man who can’t accept anything illogical. If someone had told him about sending him to another world or something, he would have dismissed it as nonsense.

I guess Yoon Tae-oh is still Yoon Tae-oh. As if mocking the time I spent worrying alone, he made his decision so easily. I think I misunderstood. I don’t know the extent of his feelings for me. That’s why I asserted that my feelings were stronger. That I might not be much different from the countless lovers who came into his life.

But that might not be the case. Although we can’t weigh our feelings for each other on a scale, it seems he was looking at me with sufficiently heavy emotions.

Rather, I feel quite inadequate for doubting and not trusting his feelings.

“…You didn’t come to sleep in my room because you were scared, did you?”

“Baek Si-eon. You seem to be misunderstanding something, but I’m a person who’s not afraid of anything.”

It’s a strange phenomenon that even his nonsense sounds reliable. Ah, I think I said something unnecessary. Yoon Tae-oh, sitting on the bed, grabbed my arm and pulled me close to sit next to him.

“Wasn’t it you who had the scary dream? You were clinging to me and wouldn’t let go.”

“…Yes, a little. But I’m okay now. It must have been a silly dream.”

I was scared. The dream where Yoon Tae-oh abandoned me and left was nothing short of a nightmare. Something I really don’t want to experience. It’s truly fortunate that it was just a dream. He came to me like this, preventing me from being consumed by that unpleasant dream. I was so relieved that tears nearly came to my eyes.

“And why is this Si-eon’s room? Where is there a Baek Si-eon room in this house?”

Yoon Tae-oh’s usual demeanor gave me even greater peace. It was as if he was saying our ‘today’ is no different from yesterday.

“It’s all ‘our’ rooms. But it seems like there are too many rooms, so I think I’ll have to get rid of all but one. That way you won’t even think about using separate rooms.”

While it might sound a bit scary in a way, it was also welcome news. Because it was Yoon Tae-oh, unchanged from yesterday. He washed away my anxiety and made me hope for tomorrow, showing no hint of change. He allowed us to paint tomorrow and the day after with our time together, which could have remained as mere memories.

“Then, can I live here for a while?”

“For a while, what? I must have raised you too gently. You don’t have that kind of choice, Si-eon.”

“…Why?”

“I’m not accepting any objections. It’s punishment for abandoning me and running away. Now I’m going to do as I please.”

Despite the threatening content, his actions were different. He tickled my earlobe with his fingertips, smiling in a way that was not at all scary.

I was right. My belief in choosing Yoon Tae-oh without running away anymore, and Yoon Tae-oh who always makes me look forward to what’s next, were right. Thinking that I might not have been able to greet this morning with a single choice makes me feel dizzy. My heart is still so full when I’m with him.

I want to convey some emotion I’m feeling for him right now, but I can’t think of the right words to express among the surging feelings. Then, one phrase escaped my throat on its own.

“…I love you.”

Undoubtedly, if I’m with him, I’ll probably get annoyed and irritated ten times a day. Because Yoon Tae-oh is always doing as he pleases. But on the other hand, I’m already looking forward to those days. The time I’ll spend with him, conveying his sincerity in unexpected ways. I’m looking forward to Yoon Tae-oh, who shows results that don’t disappoint my expectations.

Once again, the emotion that escaped my throat became reality. Even though those words feel inadequate, it’s enough to convey my feelings a hundred, a thousand times until they reach him. As I put my arms around his neck with this sudden confession, Yoon Tae-oh embraced my lower back and neck, laying me back down on the bed.

“Me too.”

Our lips met softly, like a feather landing. Even though he’s conveying his sincerity in his own way again, it certainly reached me.

If the time I spent here was a drama, I think this moment would probably be the ending. A clumsy man who always failed in love, and an even clumsier me who fell for him. Now, after many twists and turns, we’re miraculously together.

**The End**