Secretary Gwanggong's Survival Diary - Episode 114

Episode 114

If asked which of the two lives I’ve lived was better, it’s a bit difficult to answer. If I had to choose one, it would probably be my original world. The time I lived as Baek Si-eon was honestly… half a gamble. It was like a reckless act I could indulge in because it wasn’t originally mine. My confidence seemed to stem from the thought that even if things went wrong and this life ended, I could return to my original world as if it had been a dream.

But after hearing what the man I met during the day said, it became a bit chilling. According to his story, my life here is the same as in the original world. If I were to die, it would be the end, he said.

In any world, there might be organizations that take human life lightly, but it’s different if the life I’m living is at the center of such a place. That’s why I judged that the one resembling “normality” was better. Even setting aside safety, it was the life I had lived for a long time and was more familiar with.

The reason I’m comparing these two lives now is also because of that man’s words.

‘You choose. After all, you’re the protagonist who reached the ending, so I should at least give you the right to choose your future.’

The man commanded in a heavy voice. It sounded like he was offering me a choice, but in reality, it was just an order. He urged me while presenting options that were not easy to choose between.

‘You can return to the world you originally lived in. You’ve seen the end of the story.’

He said ‘end’. As if I had reached the ending of some game I played as a hobby.

‘You can just live your life as if nothing happened, as if you woke up from a long dream.’

He said the time here would fade from memory as if it were a dream. Just like even the clearest dream fades from the mind as time passes.

This is the development I wanted most at some point. Safely escaping from this world that has reached its conclusion. But now it wasn’t such a welcome proposal. Isn’t the situation different now?

If that happens, Yoon Tae-oh who would be left behind…

‘Why do you think he’d be left behind? Time will reset. The story will repeat, just with you missing.’

Until when.

‘Who knows. Maybe it will repeat forever.’

A world where the same story repeats endlessly like a loop. And Yoon Tae-oh left there.

‘In a way, he’s just a character, right? This is your chance to find your original life.’

One could think that way. Yoon Tae-oh is just a role in “Madman”, and the moment I leave this world, he could just live his predetermined life repeatedly as if nothing had happened.

‘…And if not?’

But isn’t it too… pitiful? Even when the whole world was trying to pair him with Choi Hyun-jin, he chose his own heart, and ignoring that to drag him back to the starting line again is too cruel. He had finally managed to throw off the trauma he’d been carrying since childhood. He made such a difficult decision believing in just a small possibility. To render even his undoubtedly heavy deliberations useless…

How could I leave him alone in a life that might repeat forever? Although leaving here was what I wanted so much, just thinking of Yoon Tae-oh’s face makes it hard to breathe. So I had to ask about the other option.

‘Personally, I don’t recommend it, but there’s a way to stay here too. Then time will flow as it is now. As if nothing had happened, just like that.’

The evaluation of the two lives was valid. Clearly, the original life was better. But that’s when excluding Yoon Tae-oh’s existence. This world with him added… had a different value. With just the difference of his presence or absence, the evaluation of the two lives was reversed.

I don’t have big regrets. There’s no reason I absolutely must go back. Rather, rather… I’ve never yearned for someone so ardently in my life. I’ve never felt such a definite shape of emotion. To the point where the moment I tried to give him up seems foolish, I like it now. So much that I can’t sleep wondering if this might be a dream.

‘But.’

However, there was a reason I couldn’t choose right away.

‘If you say you’ll stay, I’ll give that child a choice too. If you’re going to set him free, I should give him at least one chance to choose for himself, right?’

It was a truly nasty smile. But thinking the other way around, I was even more base. Wasn’t I trying to decide everything on my own without giving Yoon Tae-oh any choice? For his fate to be determined just by my decision.

‘If that child makes a different choice from you, you’ll have to live in this world alone. So you’d better think carefully.’

It was the worst just imagining it. Being left all alone in this place without Yoon Tae-oh. If I had never had his heart even for a moment, it might not have been bad to stay and live here. But my life here is full of Yoon Tae-oh, every day would become a memory.

A place devoid of Yoon Tae-oh, with nowhere to lean on, has no value at all.

The man disappeared at some point after just saying to think about it. He didn’t even explain what choices Yoon Tae-oh would have. I don’t know if I was distracted while my mind was blank and missed him leaving, or if he literally vanished. I realized belatedly that I had many things I should have asked.

“Haa…”

Only frustration built up at the choices with no clear answer. I had to face the dawn breaking outside the window without being able to make any decision.

❖ ❖ ❖

“Are you working late today?”

“Since I was away, I think there might be a lot of work.”

“Ah, I see…”

“Well… I might come home early too.”

The morning scene that seemed so routine has changed. Instead of reciting his schedule for today, we’re sitting face to face drinking coffee. For some reason, he even dressed himself without my help. He must have really matured. I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to help with his preparations for work, just for today.

“I just want to have dinner together.”

“…If you say it like that, I’ll try to come back a bit early.”

He covered his mouth with the coffee cup as he spoke, but I saw it. Those lips uttering that gruff voice were curved in a smile.

“It’s okay if you come late if you’re busy.”

“Who do you think I am? No matter how busy work gets, it’s just company business.”

“Then, come home early.”

Even to my own ears, my voice sounded quite clingy. But that was my honest feeling. How can I already miss him when he hasn’t even left for work yet? My already complicated feelings became even more uncomfortable.

“Si-eon, if you have any worries, talk to me.”

My acting must have been clumsy again today. I tried to maintain normal conversation to avoid showing my feelings, but Yoon Tae-oh didn’t fall for it. Maybe my attempt to hide my emotions looked awkward.

When he says things like that, it makes me worry again. If I were to share everything that’s happened to me, would he be able to accept it? Would he believe me even if it’s full of completely irrational content…

“It’s not like that. You’ll be late, hurry and go to work.”

No. It would only cause unnecessary confusion. I’m the one who has to make the choice anyway, so why should I muddy his feelings too?

“I’ll come home early, so take care of the house.”

“I’m not a child…”

I saw Yoon Tae-oh off while hiding my true feelings. It was really difficult to ignore Yoon Tae-oh’s gaze that kept looking at me. I can’t express how strong the urge was to run and hug him.

Once I was left alone in the house, my chest felt incredibly heavy. Even though I couldn’t share any of my story because I didn’t know how Yoon Tae-oh would take it, it felt as if he had been sharing the burden of my worries. Otherwise, how could this loneliness feel so overwhelming?

Not long after I sent him off, the doorbell rang. I thought it might be the housekeeping staff, but it was an unexpected visitor.

“Have you thought about it? We don’t have much time, you know.”

Dealing with this guy suddenly made me feel tired. I hadn’t even realized I hadn’t been sleeping properly until I was with Yoon Tae-oh. I didn’t know his true identity, but I could tell at least one thing: there was no need to talk at the doorstep. So I let him into the house.

“I didn’t expect to be served coffee. If I’d known, I would have gotten to the point earlier.”

Right. If he had shared everything at the hotel in Namhae. Then perhaps I wouldn’t have needed this time of anguish. If it had been then, I would have undoubtedly chosen to return to my original life.

“But then I wouldn’t have gotten to see this interesting scene.”

He’s an irritating person. Maybe it’s my mood, but in front of him, I feel so powerless. I don’t even think anyone could beat him no matter who you put against him. It’s like…

“Stop right there. Your thoughts show too much on your face.”

It feels like even my inner thoughts are being restricted. I shook off the vague idea forming in my head. As he said, now wasn’t the time to figure out his identity. Even if I knew who he was, my situation wouldn’t change at all.

“Haa… If I stay here, do I just continue living as Baek Si-eon?”

“That’s right. But don’t forget that Yoon Tae-oh might not be there. You only get one choice.”

The man sat cross-legged, leisurely savoring the coffee aroma alone. He seemed so carefree, as if he already knew what choice I would make. Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter to him either way. This is solely my problem.

“What choice does Yoon Tae-oh have to make?”

“That’s a secret. This is for your own good. Isn’t it better not to know, in case Yoon Tae-oh doesn’t choose you?”

I wanted to know what Yoon Tae-oh would be choosing between. But hearing the man’s words, I thought it might be better not to know. If he accepts some ridiculous proposal by my standards and abandons me, I would feel truly miserable.

“You really think a lot. It’s the first time I’ve seen someone deliberate this long.”

When I didn’t give a proper answer despite his urging, he complained in quite a peevish voice. But his words were strange. “It’s the first time I’ve seen someone deliberate this long,” he said. My mind raced at this peculiar expression. Come to think of it, he said something strange yesterday too. “As you wanted, you’re the protagonist this time,” he had said. I didn’t feel anything odd then, but thinking about it in connection with what he’s saying now, that too felt unsettling. “This time.”

“…I guess others decided easily.”

I wasn’t certain, but it was possible. Think about it, isn’t it entirely plausible? If this is a world that keeps repeating the same segment, if everyone’s memories reset at the start, maybe I’m not the only one.

“Oh no… I’ve gone and said too much.”

The man sheepishly scratched his cheek with his index finger.

“Ah, whatever! Since it’s come to this, I’ll give you one more gift. That’s right, you’re the second.”

Ah… as I thought. Although it was hard to believe, given that I had crossed over, it wasn’t strange that there was one more person before me.

“…But… then isn’t that strange…?”

“Yes, it is strange, isn’t it?”

The man seems to have caught exactly what I was pointing out. According to his explanation, those who reached the end of this story were given a choice. Probably, since this was a world revolving around Yoon Tae-oh, the person who won his heart would gain the status of ‘protagonist’.

“Was it Choi Hyun-jin…?”

“That’s right. Since it was the first time, I just put someone into Choi Hyun-jin without thinking much. It was so easy then that I chose Baek Si-eon after some consideration. Well… I didn’t expect it to turn out like this.”

Someone had entered Choi Hyun-jin’s body. They reached the same ending as in the drama. And like me, they would have had a moment of choice. If they had chosen to stay, this world would have been given flowing time instead of repeating the same segment. Yet, the fact that it reset to the starting point and I entered means…

“Did that person… leave?”

It would mean they chose to abandon Yoon Tae-oh. The other person affirmed my question with a slight smile.

“How about it? Did that help a little with your decision? This was really something I shouldn’t have told you.”

I’m not sure if Yoon Tae-oh was sincere then. But how devastated must he have been when the person he believed to be his destined partner abandoned him and left? How must it have felt to have the time and emotions he had built up over a long period trampled on, to be literally abandoned? Since it’s an erased time and even Yoon Tae-oh wouldn’t remember, there’s no way to confirm. It’s still a shitty rule of this world, but for such memories, it might be better to lose them.

“Yes. It does help…”

What he wants to say is probably that I don’t need to feel guilty since I’m not the first. That I can just return to the life I’m familiar with, just like someone else did. Anyway, when time resets, all memories of me will be cleanly erased, so he too can live his ‘familiar’ life again.

While this unexpected secret of this world is not without shock, it’s true that it was helpful.

“I’ve decided. I…”

I’m still not sure if it’s the right answer, but my heart is leaning one way.