I Start with a Bad Hand! - Chapter 200

“Where are you going?”

“…”

“I’ll apologize to Father on your behalf, Diet– Roxanne!”

Cedric quickly caught up with me as I briskly walked down the ducal house’s hallway, blocking my path. I glanced up at him briefly before moving towards the empty space on his left. He reached out to stop me but then hesitated and stepped back.

‘So, he did know all along that touching someone else’s body without permission is rude.’

I tilted my head slightly to look at him, and Cedric’s eyebrows softened. Even though he blocked my way, he stepped back to match my stride as I took another step forward. Somehow, his behavior made me angrier. The change in his attitude made me realize just how disrespectful he had been to me, to Dietrich, all this time.

“Don’t apologize on my behalf. I’m not sorry to the Duke.”

“…It’s not the Duke, it’s Father, Roxanne.”

“Roxanne is not me, but the silver-haired girl who lived here since she was twelve.”

Cedric’s face twisted in a frown at my words. I flinched instinctively. But something was different. He didn’t follow up with any action like before. He no longer touched me without permission, nor did he forcefully stop me or raise his voice.

“I was wrong.”

He apologized to me.

“I was foolish. I didn’t recognize…”

He admitted his shortcomings.

“I didn’t recognize you.”

I hadn’t intended to stop, but his words made me turn around. I hadn’t expected Cedric to apologize, especially not in such a humble manner. 

“When I first saw you, I recognized you immediately. Even when you appeared at the duchy in those rough, worn-out clothes, I knew you were the last gift from our mother that I had been waiting for. So, no matter what you looked like, no matter who you were, you were my sibling, the one I love.”

Sighing heavily, I looked at his face, so similar to the Duke’s from thirty years ago—handsome and smooth.

“I never expected a day like this would come, and I don’t even know what to say.”

“Change your mind, Rox… no, I’ll wait until you’re comfortable with me.”

“You said you recognized her at first sight, calling her our mother’s last gift.”

“That…”

“You asked me if I was eavesdropping like a rat, but you didn’t think I’d remember that. I am part of ‘that’ Elexion bloodline, after all.”

Watching his face turn pale and then flush repeatedly wasn’t as satisfying as it used to be. I had wanted him to grovel and apologize to me, but not like this. Cedric’s apologetic stance wasn’t because he truly regretted his actions but because he believed he had directed his behavior towards the wrong person.

‘So that’s why he pushed Roxanne and ran to me from the clock tower. He supposedly cherished her so much, yet…’ How could a person be so contradictory? I turned my back on Cedric again, watching his lips move without sound.

“The love you speak of has no weight for me.”

A love thinner than tissue paper. A bond flimsier than a makeshift shelter. Who would want such things?

Dietrich was right. If Cedric’s affection for Roxanne had remained genuine, even if his methods were flawed, it would have felt real. Cedric no longer spoke to me, but his footsteps still echoed behind me. Persistent… I thought, as I moved to walk again. Then, I suddenly remembered the item in my possession.

‘Wait a moment. Did I bring it?’

Feeling the thin, crinkly texture inside my jacket, I turned to look at him.

“And I am not the last gift from your mother.”

“What do you mean…?”

“The ‘real’ last gift is something else.”

There was no need for me to keep it. Returning his mother’s keepsake was a small kindness I could afford Cedric. Actually, it wasn’t even kindness—just the right thing to do.

With trembling hands, Cedric took the letter I handed him, staring at his name written on the worn, faded envelope.

“To Cedric.”

“I think you know who the sender is without me explaining.”

The sky was dark, but the rain had stopped, and beams of sunlight pierced through the clouds here and there. As I reached the end of the long hallway in the ducal house and turned towards the stairs leading outside, I heard a sound of utter collapse behind me—Cedric’s heart-wrenching wail.

But…

‘Even frogs croak like that when they’re mating.’

Maybe the cries of pigeons searching for food are more sorrowful. Perhaps a cat in heat would wail just as desperately. With such thoughts, I stepped down the stairs. Cedric’s long, desperate sobs echoed for some time.

***

The servants of the ducal house seemed to have an inkling of what had transpired. I had just refused the steward and butler’s offer of a carriage when I started walking away from the mansion.

“Where… are you going?”

“…Evan?”

Someone called out from the main gate of the mansion. I wondered why he sounded so shocked, but there he was, with wide eyes, disheveled clothing, and messy hair.

I narrowed my eyes and looked back at him, and Evan began to run towards me from the distant gate. For a moment, I thought, ‘Did Evan always look so young?’ When I had seen him taking the academy exams, he seemed much more mature for his age, much taller than me.

‘He’s still just a kid.’

I paused my steps and waited for Evan to catch up. Strangely, he also stopped in his tracks. It was somewhat amusing and a bit pitiful, so I motioned for him to come closer. Even then, he approached me hesitantly, like a wary deer.

“Come here.”

Evan hesitated, then finally shuffled towards me, pointing at both me and the mansion while stammering.

“They said it’s going to rain soon… I saw you from afar without an umbrella. If you’re just stepping out for a moment, I can call for a carriage,”

“Evan.”

“Yes?”

“I’m leaving the ducal house for good.”

I held back the words that we’d probably never see each other again, allowing him to catch his breath. Yet, he seemed to be struggling more with his breath now, his chest heaving rapidly until he finally calmed down enough to speak.

“Where are you going? Why are you leaving…”

“There are a lot of reasons… To put it simply, I don’t like it here. I’m leaving because I hate it.”

I shifted my gaze slightly lower from Evan’s hair, damp from the humid air, to his equally wet eyes.

“…Are you really never coming back?”

“Evan.”

“Yes?”

“Did no one, not Father, not my brother, try to stop you? What will they do without you…”

How should I explain this? I didn’t think Evan was completely unaware of the situation, but summarizing it in a way he could understand was challenging.

I glanced at my watch. The time for my appointment with ‘that person’ was approaching.

I sighed, ran a hand through my hair, and spoke.

“Little one.”

“Y-yes?”

“I’m leaving because I’m unhappy here. And… Elexion won’t fall apart just because I’m gone. Both your brother and your father know that. That’s why they’re not trying hard to stop me.”

From the Duke’s reception room to the mansion’s front gate, none of the many soldiers and servants stopped me. It would be nice to think they were granting me freedom or honoring Dietrich’s last wishes, but the truth was they knew my usefulness had ended. A child coughing up blood in front of them held no value anymore.

Swallowing my bitter feelings, I spoke to the teary-eyed boy in front of me.

“So don’t torment yourself in this house. Elexion won’t crumble just because you’re not perfect.”

Honestly, I hoped it would crumble. But regardless of my personal feelings, they say the rich stay wealthy for three generations. With all this family has amassed, they won’t fall apart any time soon.

“You once asked me, when you met me outside the sanctuary, if you were a child your late mother could be proud of. I couldn’t answer you properly then, but I can tell you now. Your mother wouldn’t care about that.”

“…She probably just wants you to be happy.”

Evan, who I once thought resembled the Duke and his eldest son, now seemed completely different. Besides his silver hair and watery blue eyes, he bore no resemblance to them. In every other aspect, he was a successful blend of his mother’s traits.

“I failed to find happiness here, but maybe you will succeed. However, if living as an Elexion in this house doesn’t make you happy…”

I glanced at my watch again. It was nearing 4 PM, the time I had arranged to meet ‘that person.’ It bothered me a bit that I couldn’t stay to comfort the sobbing child longer, but I had no more time. It was time to end my ties with this ducal house.

“Then just leave, like I am.”

“Sniff.”

“Don’t be afraid. I won’t stay in touch with you… but you think I’ll be fine wherever I go, right?”

“Sister… sniff.”

“Hm?”

Evan nodded silently. I patted his shoulder a couple of times, his eyes red from crying.

“Good. Then you will be fine, too.”

Would Evan really leave the ducal house? I wasn’t sure. Regardless, Evan’s future was his own, and it wasn’t my place to dictate it.

But this kid, who shed tears over a short-lived connection in this crazy house, seemed more in need of affection than most. And for someone like that, it would be hard to attach himself to a household that drove away normal people in every possible way.

I took one last look at the ducal house. It was still someone else’s home, someone else’s space, someone else’s domain. Without looking back again, I left and boarded the carriage that had been sent for me. My destination was the academy.

The academic building at the academy, specifically a small research room inside.

“Thanks for doing this. It must have been difficult. Is he inside?”

Roxanne, who had sent the carriage, nodded as I tipped my head to ask.

“Yes. He’s inside… waiting.”

Her face had become gaunt, her expression perfectly unreadable and devoid of any emotion.

“He is.”