I Start with a Bad Hand! - Chapter 195

The turmoil in his heart had begun when Roxanne first started archery. From the day she picked up the bow, unable to overcome her hatred for the girl and herself. Others weren’t much different, but from that day, Elius began to watch over her with an almost excessive protectiveness.

‘Of course, he has always looked after me to this extent…’

Since graduating, Elius’s involvement in Roxanne’s life had become more pronounced, likely because their encounters had decreased. From major events like attending the academy’s balls as partners to minor actions like applying cream to her calloused fingers at the archery range, he was always there.

“I hate seeing you hurt.”

But his hands, roughened by years of wielding a sword and a pen, were themselves covered in calluses. Roxanne accepted his touch with a vague smile, aware of the eyes and whispers of the students around them. Despite the slight tightening in her chest from embarrassment, she nodded at his words with a smile.

‘Telling him not to come would only hurt him.’

To Roxanne, her fiancé was more important than the gossip of others. Slipping on the cream-covered hands right before shooting the bow didn’t matter either.

“Roxanne, you’re doing well!”

“You’ve improved a lot! Just keep shooting like this next time!”

But there were moments she couldn’t bear. For some reason, a small bet at the archery range that seemed to ignite a solitary passion, something the girl didn’t even seem to care about. After practicing hard without any mistakes, she thought she had hit a decent score. The pats on the back from her teammates and the hurried whispers of the opposing team who hadn’t anticipated this felt good.

Until the storm hit.

‘The wind…’

Soon it was Dietrich’s turn with his team. As a fierce gust of wind blew so strong that it nearly knocked everyone over, the warm pride in her cheeks turned to a chilling coldness. The archery range had never experienced such strong winds before. As the makeshift tent roofs flapped wildly and everyone screamed in alarm, Roxanne’s eyes fixed on a single person.

Her fiancé stood calmly, seemingly unaffected by the wind’s fury.

“Dietrich, what’s wrong with your bow?”

“It broke. I dropped it in the wind, and damn, someone must have stepped on it.”

Dietrich answered as he tied up his hair, which had become a mess from the sandstorm. Even though he wasn’t looking her way, Roxanne felt an overwhelming sense of embarrassment creeping up her neck. She couldn’t approach him or even look at him. At that moment, her eyes met Elius’s. As she looked into his gentle eyes, she murmured inwardly.

‘Why are you doing this?’

She wanted to scream and demand answers.

‘Why are you doing this to me? Why…’

Roxanne swallowed her words forcefully. She wanted to compete confidently, even if it meant relying on her team’s strength if her own skills fell short. She had hoped that a gust of wind would ruin the girl’s shot, but she had thought she could accept such misfortune with grace if it happened. Yet, she had lost the chance to compete fairly with her and herself.

‘This isn’t just “luck” anymore. It’s something intentional.’

Roxanne realized that she had been deprived of even a single chance to compete fairly with the girl and herself. When Dietrich managed to demonstrate her skill even amidst the gale, Roxanne felt a surge of tears. At that moment, her eyes met the Second Prince’s.

For some reason, Roxanne wanted to offer him an explanation. The Second Prince said nothing. He simply looked away from her and walked towards Dietrich. As they met, a sharp sound of their hands clapping together filled the air, and Dietrich’s expression looked more satisfied than ever.

“So, what I’m saying is, no matter what form you take, no matter who you are, you are my sister. The one I love.”

Even Cedric’s words didn’t bring comfort.

“So, don’t be sad comparing yourself to that lowly thing.”

His softly whispered words made it even worse. Elius had said similar things before.

“There are those who are twisted from birth. And I despise such beings.”

One day, as he was pulling weeds next to the roses in the greenhouse, Elius had muttered those words.

“More than anything, such beings cling to those of noble status and feed off their power.”

Lowly beings. Twisted from birth. Even though no one clearly named the subject, Roxanne knew who they were referring to. Each time, she only smiled without saying a word. Back then, she believed that love could bloom even as it consumed someone.

“Late bloomers, maybe.”

“What? Late… what?”

“It means it takes longer for them to reach their full potential because they’re so big. Some people are like that.”

One day, Dietrich had responded to a concerned member of the archery club about Roxanne’s skills. It was an elaborate phrase, its meaning unclear, but it made Roxanne cry the most. She realized that words could instill pride without hurting anyone, and she had heard them from the person she hated the most and who hated her.

“Roxanne, congratulations on winning.”

“…”

“I knew you could do it.”

That’s why now, more than ever, she felt the most ashamed. As Elius approached her, dressed in a gown embroidered with golden threads, pretending as if he hadn’t conjured that massive gust of wind.

‘Do you really think I know nothing?’

She felt more humiliated now than when she couldn’t achieve the best results despite her efforts, unlike the girl. But this shame came from herself, not from those who loved her, despite her struggles to present herself beautifully.

“It’s too early for me to accept such a national treasure.”

Perhaps that’s why, under the beautiful cherry blossom tree, she avoided Elius’s face as he leaned in to kiss her.

“We are already engaged… and unless there’s a problem, we’ll be together in the future. So, I’ll keep this ring until our official wedding.”

So perhaps that’s why she rejected the diamond ring, said to have been passed down through the royal family for generations.

***

‘Dietrich Degoph once deceived the ducal family and was disowned.’

When that rumor, of uncertain origin, spread just as the break was ending, Roxanne’s heart raced. Could it be her fiancé again, once more?

“No wonder. Always acting so vile.”

“Even looks the part….”

Despite the gossip, Dietrich’s attitude remained overly confident, which struck Roxanne as odd. Though she never cowered to anything, she always seemed remorseful about that particular issue.

“What? Are you saying I got involved in an incident because the Elexion ducal family couldn’t recognize their own child properly?”

Her demeanor, with others, showed no hesitation or guilt, which troubled Roxanne.

“Hey, just reveal it. That you’re the real duchess.”

“No, well…. There are other things going on now.”

“You have the documents to prove it, so what are you hesitating for? Ah, you make me so frustrated every time you do this.”

“I’m… not frustrated…. My insides… are fine.”

When she finally heard those words, Roxanne felt like she couldn’t breathe, her vision going white. Yet she clung to the hope that it might not be true, that they might be concocting something. Despite this, a sense of resignation settled within her. So that’s why…. That’s why I felt….

Born flawed, parasitic, lowly, unaware of my place, without a conscience, rotten to the core, inheriting the filthy greed of my parents….

All those adjectives attached to her now seemed to fit. It felt right.

‘…The door’s open?’

She wanted to ask. Drawn to the half-open door of Dietrich’s dormitory, she entered as if in a trance. The room was messy. On the desk lay documents wrapped in a familiar seal she had seen a few times before.

In that moment, Roxanne knew instinctively. This is the….

‘That… document.’

As she grabbed the document from among various books and papers, she heard someone approaching. Unable to put it back or hide it, Roxanne hurriedly decided to leave. She stumbled her way to the student council room, where she had a meeting.

She didn’t get a proper look at the document and tucked it into the deepest part of her drawer in the student council room. She intended to return it after a brief look. She knew she had stolen it and planned to take responsibility for her actions.

“Roxanne, can you come here for a moment?”

So, while she stepped out briefly at the call of a senior she knew, and during a sudden brief argument with her fiancé, the contents of the document were revealed.

“The owner of the body… is Dietrich Degoph. The counterpart is Rosamund… Elexion’s will.”

And she never imagined that the document would be found in the fireplace of the student council room. Nor did she understand why it wouldn’t burn. Her fiancé was the first to snatch the document, running out of the room before she could stop him.

Seeing him rush out with such clear purpose, Roxanne felt a crack in her heart for the first time. She had never felt this way before. Even in her confusion, she ran after him. She felt miserable for loving someone like him. No, she felt miserable for being the recipient of such love.

Why does he keep…

‘No, I can’t think like this. I have to catch Elius first.’

The high heels she wore slipped on the wet floor, damp from students coming in from outside. She kicked off her shoes and ran. She knew that if she didn’t catch him now, she would never be able to respect herself again.

“Elius, wait! Please, wait!”

In the pouring rain, Roxanne, now a mess, finally caught up to him. He was half inside a carriage, holding an umbrella over her. She pleaded with him to return the document, saying she needed to verify its contents.

“I can’t do that.”

His voice was soft but firm. He brushed a stray lock of hair from her face and said,

“You are conscientious. No matter what’s written in this document… I don’t care. So, for your sake and mine, it’s best if I take it and destroy it.”

Because your heart is too soft.

Those words solidified Roxanne’s resolve.

You love me but don’t trust me. You say I am enough but constantly try to protect me with your strength. You claim to cherish me but make me feel ashamed.

‘Your heart is full of contradictions.’

Roxanne kissed her fiancé, silencing him. She kissed him until he dropped the document and the umbrella, until their sounds were drowned out by the heavy rain.

“I am the one who stole that document from the room.”

Insisting he dry himself, she managed to get him into her dormitory, where she swapped the document’s envelope. Despite the intensity of the kiss that left him dazed, Elius remained adamant about taking the document to the cleric to be burned.

“And I am the one holding it now.”

So, I’ll give it back to you. It’s yours.