Can I cry now? - CICN Chapter 017

Clois felt unusually odd since this morning.

It wasn’t a bad feeling. In fact, it was more like a sense of excitement, an inexplicable anticipation that made his heart race.

It had been so long since he had felt this way upon waking that at first, he couldn’t even identify what it was.

Then he suddenly remembered.

A long time ago, back when his precious loved one was still alive, he used to start each day feeling just like this.

‘But why am I feeling this way all of a sudden?’

Today wasn’t a special day.

It wasn’t an anniversary, nor was it the day someone passed away. It was just an ordinary day, with no significant events or plans scheduled.

So why was he so unusually excited from the moment he woke up? It was perplexing.

It even made him wonder if he had accidentally taken the wrong medication.

But no, that couldn’t be the case, since he hadn’t even touched the medicine the doctor had prescribed.

Unable to find any significance in his schedule for the day, Clois began to reflect on the previous day’s events.

Other than the fact that his depression had worsened lately, nothing unusual had happened… 

“Oh.”

Actually, that’s not true. There was that child who had suddenly appeared at Lillian and Yviene’s graves.

But he had given a false identity and sent the child away. There was no reason for them to meet again, so it was nothing to dwell on.

So why would that incident affect him so deeply…

Still feeling unusually buoyant, Clois made his way to his office.

Along the way, the ministers he encountered greeted him with more enthusiasm than usual, bowing deeply as they passed.

They commented on how wonderful the weather was and asked how His Majesty was feeling today.

Clois couldn’t understand why they seemed so elated.

These were the same people who usually avoided even making eye contact with him.

Unless they had collectively lost their minds, there was no other reason for them to so boldly strike up conversations with him.

Yet, despite their cheerful greetings, they were all carefully watching his reactions.

A moment later, Clois realized why they were behaving this way.

The people in the meeting room suddenly gathered by the window and began talking amongst themselves.

“Look, the students from the academy are arriving.”

The moment he heard that, he understood why they had been so eager to gauge his mood and engage him in conversation more than usual that morning.

‘So today was the day the academy children were visiting the palace.’

Since ordering the admission of Ivy Alden, Clois hadn’t said a word about the academy.

In addition, there had been continuous suggestions for the vacant successor position recently.

So naturally, the ministers wanted to hear any hint of his thoughts on the matter.

Especially now, with potential candidates stepping into the palace, they saw this as their chance.

It was a reasonable assumption.

If Clois were to share his thoughts on the successor, today would indeed be a good opportunity.

However…

“I’m not feeling well today. Proceed with the meeting without me and send me the minutes later.”

The faces of the ministers, who had been filled with anticipation, darkened instantly at Clois’s words.

He had no intention of reprimanding them.

Of course, some of them were hoping that their children, grandchildren, or the children of close associates might catch his eye.

But by now, he knew that more people were genuinely worried about the succession issue.

They didn’t care who it was, as long as someone was named soon to ensure the Empire’s complete stability.

Yet he still hadn’t made a decision.

Even though he knew the answer.

As everyone expected, it would likely come down to either Arcel or Ruska. He could simply choose one of the two.

Though it’s impossible to fully know the heart of a person, Clois had fought through life-and-death situations alongside Duke Caelan and Marquis Ragself, the fathers of the two children. 

He knew their character well.

Both men were the type who would prefer their children ‘not’ to be chosen as the heir. And if either child were designated, they would immediately resign all their positions in the imperial palace and retire to a distant estate.

‘The children themselves are not a problem either.’

Both had royal blood through their lineage, so when the rumors first spread that one of them might be chosen, no one questioned their qualifications.

But the reason Clois had kept them in mind as candidates wasn’t based on those criteria.

‘Lillian adored them so much.’

In Lillian’s territory, there were many children aside from Arcel and Ruska. Since Clois had stayed there for a long time, his closest allies had brought their families as well.

Yet Lillian had a particular fondness for those two children, treating them almost as if they were her own.

Clois trusted both his own judgment and Lillian’s. If she cared so deeply for those children, they surely would not pose any problems.

“Still, Your Majesty, the young students must be so excited to tour the imperial palace. Would you perhaps consider greeting them, even briefly?” 

Just as Clois was starting to feel irritated at the minister’s persistence, that remark snapped him back to attention.

‘That child must still think I’m a professor.’

Unable to reveal his identity as emperor, Clois had given her the name of a professor.

How shocked would she be to suddenly see him here?

And once she learned who he really was, there was no way she would speak to him as casually as she had in front of Lillian’s grave.

Having thought this far, Clois hurriedly stood up.

Judging by the ministers’ behavior, it seemed like they would approach the students to greet them once they entered.

It would be better to leave before that happened.

“That’s enough. I’ll be in my office. If anything urgent comes up, send someone there.”

Clois quickly exited the room.

Once in his office, he spread out the usual stack of documents awaiting his attention.

The day’s meeting wasn’t dealing with anything critical anyway. In fact, he was somewhat relieved to have more time to work alone.

‘I should finish this quickly.’

There were always plenty of papers waiting for his review. He needed to read through, sign, and send them off.

However, contrary to his intentions, his hands didn’t move.

By now, he should have gone through a few pages, but his eyes were still stuck on the first line.

There was only one reason: the sound of children outside.

‘They’re already that close?’

He could hear exclamations of awe, kids calling out to friends, and endless chatter.

Hearing the voices of young boys and girls—a rare sound in the main palace—he found it impossible to concentrate.

‘Ivy must have come along too.’

At that thought, he put down the papers and stood up.

Fortunately, the curtains were drawn. If he peeked through them, he could watch without being seen.

As he had hoped, he could spot the students through the gap in the curtains.

‘I’ve heard many students have already dropped out.’

Still, more students remained than he had expected.

No doubt, more of them would leave for various reasons in the future.

As he thought this, Clois carefully scanned the children.

Eventually, he spotted the one he was looking for—there was Ivy, struggling to find her place among the much taller students, moving around awkwardly.

Even as she was jostled by others, she couldn’t take her eyes off the palace.

And Clois, in turn, couldn’t take his eyes off her.

‘Is it really that astonishing?’

It made sense. To a child from a rural orphanage, the imperial palace must have seemed like an entirely different world.

Though the buildings of the academy were part of the imperial palace, they couldn’t compare to the grandeur of the main palace.

Watching her gaze in awe, Clois couldn’t help but smile.

If there hadn’t been others around, if there hadn’t been other students…

‘I would have gone down there and, pretending to be a professor, explained everything to her.’

At that thought, Clois was suddenly shocked.

He had told himself there would be no reason to meet her again, yet here he was, thinking about approaching her and showing her around.

What was driving him to have such contradictory thoughts?

Just then, Ivy, who had been staring at the main palace, bowed her head slightly.

Clois, thinking she might be bowing to him, was startled and quickly stepped back.

“How…?”

Had she seen him?

Clois had to work to calm his pounding heart.

After taking a few slow breaths, he cautiously approached the window again and peeked out through the curtains.

By then, the Academy students were already following the staff member, moving away in the distance.

At the tail end of the group, a small child was hurrying along.

Fortunately, it didn’t seem like she had recognized him.

‘Then why?’

Why had she bowed toward the palace?

Clois stood at the window, watching her until she disappeared from view.